I haven’t been obsessed about you for a long time now. I don’t know whether it is a boon or a bane, as the fantasy world I was in during my UG & PG days were marred by beautiful and torrid memories that my heart swelled for a few days after my return from the US. I long wanted to wait for a moment of clarity to talk to you and express my warmth and love towards you but here I am blogging revealing the highest thoughts about human relationships which necessarily need not be fantasies, but dreams come true.
For me, most of these have been creative or artistic indulgence, because it is from art that I receive inspiration, to which I retreat in moments of reflection, and in which I find that which we call God most beautifully expressed.
You are about to have an extraordinary experience. You are about to have a conversation with God. Yes, yes, I know…that’s not possible. You probably think that’s not possible. But what happened to me in Rhode Island on July 17th, 2012 is no exaggeration / dejavu but a real life incident – a Conversation with God!
In the fall of 2012 – it was Midwinter Christmas I recall – an extraordinary phenomenon occurred in my life. God turned up in a time of distress, when I needed him the most & when I wanted something of a miracle to come out in saving my life.
Let’s travel back in time a few years before this phenomenon occurred; Fall 2010. I had an affair with Christianity – an affair with hardcore Christians – an artistic indulgence of me socializing with local Americans. l had decided to take the plunge, half-heartedly though. No, I mean like I wanted to be there but at the same time a little conservative as I didn’t want to hurt religious sentiments of my family. Yes, I wasn’t prepared to convert to Christianity even though I appreciated what they preached, appreciated the warmth shown towards me. I was a good listener & history is something that fascinated me. Moreover, having been through a roller coaster ride during my UG days, I wanted to vent to someone all my obsessional thoughts as well. So, it was kind of mutual – it was more of the scene from Fight club where Edward Norton & Helena Bonham meet each other in a support group, attain a sense of freedom which euphorically relieves the distress. Days sped past by, it was then one fine day this occurred in Chi-alpha (Christian support group). The father, along with my fellow mates & friends Andre, Ryan and Victor – came forward to pray for me. They did. They came up to me, put their hands on my shoulders asked me to close my eyes. I was like fine. No problem. Let me do it. I was all cool about it. But it wasn’t the end. They asked me as to what I visualized closing my eyes. I said ‘nothing. Ok, they were like asking me the same again after a space. So I was more pushed to saying something. Quite frankly – I visualized Jesus in a portrait. An empty room in the next and a jug of water after that. The news then spread like fire inside the room – there were talks that a Hindu guy had seen god. Lol. U kidding me? I laughed my lunges out and went back home and laughed even more with my Indian roommates. All the imaginative part though ends here and I go on a vicious circle back to distress, back to obsessional thoughts, back to July 17th, 2012!
There was so much pain and hatred I had seethed through the years. I infact took pleasure from pain and that’s something of a really worse state of mind to be in. The fantasy world had overshadowed my reality and I judged people based on past experiences. I traveled to RI, after my graduation – joined a consultancy. But with this state of mind, I had hit a road block. The fantasy world had dried up; the place was all secluded –without much noise. The reality had crept in. Desperation added to the despair. Who better showed up? Yeah, you are right; the friends turned foes..
“Looking back at a lot of days which were distressing at the moment, seemed beautiful in retrospect”
It was a cold-blood attack – like a king Cobra waiting patiently for its prey to lose track. Filth and sins of my past were exposed and that on a public forum only for my dopamine levels to shoot up!!
That’s when the thunder and lightening struck inside my room. That’s when I listened to my heart. That’s what led me to walk out in the rain without really knowing where I walked, until I reached the main highway. Cars sped past by in both directions. I was lost – my Celeron had crashed. I turn back in search of walking back and I see this community hall behind. I decide to walk in..What happened next was something that shook me up and will stay with me for my rest of my life – I saw a Jesus portrait, an empty hall and a jug of water.
People generally place so little value on experiences such as these that when what you experience of God differs from what you’ve heard of God, you automatically discard the experience and own the words, when it should be just the other way around.